I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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