4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
where are you?
Hypothermia
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting married
To pizza
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize