Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
