I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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