Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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