1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
