If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
