I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
