i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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