i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
