There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
