I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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