I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
