Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
