she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
