I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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