wanna go halves on a baby?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
