I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
