You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
