hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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