Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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