Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
