Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
