Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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