Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
