A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
