mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
