Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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