hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
