i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
