You're completely useless in the revolution.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
one might say we're banned from that church
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
