I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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