Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
