i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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