I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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