I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
