wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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