Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
