They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
