can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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