i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
