oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
