Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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