You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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