Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
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I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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