Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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