so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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