tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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