I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
