3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
