i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
