Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
