I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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