i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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