Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think my fart just growled at me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
