My first STD was from a foam party
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
