she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
