Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
