I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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