You just made me feel so damn special
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed đ
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
Randomize
