apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
