life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
