You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this just has baby written all over it
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
