I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
