people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
