If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
