Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
