i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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