It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
